What if we spent all that money, went through all that agony – the shots, the doctor visits, the hormones, ALL THE DAMN EMOTIONS and it didn’t work? What then?Īt that point four years ago, both outcomes were equally terrifying.

For the baby? OH MY GOD WHAT WOULD WE DO TO A BABY? I hadn’t really started feeling any hope yet as I was just so scared of what this whole process would mean for my body. I remember absolutely freaking out and having a panic attack after a meeting at the hospital before we started any treatments.

I remember completely retreating from life as much as I could, my singular focus was these treatments and my behavior so erratic, I didn’t want to impose myself on others. I remember it being a time of enormous fear of the unknown. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t posting a lot back then. I am not the same person I was even four years ago – on the last Leap Year.įour years ago, I was just beginning fertility treatments, going into IVF. My point is, that things really do change. I watched one episode of Call the Midwife, because HAVE YOU WATCHED THIS LOVELY SHOW OH MY GOD so lovely and addictive and altogether reassuring and beautiful. Instead, my husband and I were in bed at 8:30pm. Not the fashion, not the show, not the tweets. Sometimes the memories are hard to take and sometimes they are full of joy.įor the first time in my life (that I can remember), I paid absolutely no attention to the Oscars last night. I hadn’t realized how I have come to depend on social media to remind me of my past.

Kids – throw some cereal their way – CHECKĪs someone who’s forgotten large chunks of my past, this freaks me out.

Neko Atsume – MAN THOSE CATS MUST BE HUNGRY – Check.

I look at my social media memories every morning as part of my checks –

Chicago i am alive again